I dont even...

My first high school friend invited me to her baby shower recently, I just RSVP’d (that I wasnt going due to the fact she lives in AK right now). But it got me thinking… My best friend in Jr. high is happily married, my best friend in high school has been married (and divorced and now engaged again) with three children. All but two of the people I hung out with in high school are married and/or have children.

All (but one) of them have graduated college and most have steady careers. 

I was looking back at all of that….how ‘grown up’ they are… and how even now I don’t feel grown up at all.

I always feel like my friends are much more mature then I am, that I really have no goal in life and I just am wandering aimlessly.

I dont want children…at least not anytime in my foreseeable future…
I’m too scared to date…I no longer blame my past relationship…now I just can’t love myself and thus can’t even begin to imagine someone loving me…almost to the point I just dont want to. Sure I miss it…I miss dating…but I’ve never been able to imagine myself getting married…I don know why (everyone says its because I havent met the right person yet) but…I dont know…

I am having a hard time finding a job…even a temporary job…forget long term I have no idea what I want to do…and in the mean time I’m just wasting time and rotting away.

Just like college…I never finished and I dont know when I can…its not so much finances now..it never really was…it was just the fact…I have no desire…no area I want to strive for…nothing…my hobbies aren’t something I want to go into for careers…at least not that I think…

I just feel like I”m at  a standstill…I feel like a kid pretending to act grown up…but I dont feel like an adult at all…sure I pay bills but I can’t even do that on my own….


whats the fucking point? Im miserable but apparently not bad enough for depression medication or help…so what? what the fuck am I supposed to do to feel like an adult? to find a GOAL in my fucking life???